It was one of the toughest things I could ever experience. It was a milestone for me. Why? Because, my whole life I’ve lived under critical eyes and minds. For many years I’ve felt unworthy. I’ve felt incompetent. I mostly felt that I’d never “measure up”. I didn’t take criticism of any kind very well. I was on the edge of my seat, nauseous. I was ready to check out and find an excuse not to do it. It didn’t make sense that I was able to do a mock critique with a peer and not feel this way. I see now that it was because we were both in the same boat with our art. We’re both apprentices.
Last year I applied to the Arcanum. I had this inkling feeling It’d be a very long time before anyone would choose me to be in their cohort as an apprentice. On November 29th, last month, I opened my email as usual to see what came to my inbox. My eyes were immediately drawn to the words, “The Arcanum”. I then saw the subject line: You are invited to be an apprentice. My heart-felt like it skipped a beat. I was excited. This is what I’d been waiting for.
After the critique, I wanted to go have a meltdown. Thank God my husband was here. He talked me through my emotion and experience. I learned a lot from this critique. I also have some work to do. My Arcanum Cohort is such a great group of understanding people. My Master, Craig, is really laid back and helpful in pointing out things I can do to improve my art.
I made it through and I did not have a meltdown. I look forward to the experience now. Breathing helps me get through the anxiety. It can help you too. I conquered one of my fears today. You can too!